By Andy

Hackers take the win 0-1 as they & the Lizards’ play harkens back to a time when the only thing thrown was a punch.

A series of postponements meant that this was the Hackers first game of the new season and the rustiness showed right from the kick off as the coach was immediately flagged for illegal procedure then thrower, Llowbber Ogchucka, fumbled the pickup.

Recovering his composure Ogchucka moved into the Hackers cage just short of the halfway line. The Lizards’ Saurus line smashed into the Hacker’s blockers and linemen while the Skinks heroically frustrated the Orc blitzers, and by the end of turn 6 the ball had only been moved just inside the Lizard’s half.

Turn 7 saw the game come to life as the Orc blockers created a space for Ogchucka to break out deep inside Lizard territory. Skinks and Saurus’ swarmed and scurried back to close the gaps but couldn’t prevent a handoff to Erdhervh “Eddie” Bodybita who ran in for the touchdown in turn 8.

At the restart the Lizards crashed into the Orc centre, preparing a cage of their own but an overenthusiastic Skink, flushed with his blocking success in the first half got too close to the Orc blitzers on the wing. Egl Noseruina put the Skink down and Eddie Bodybita broke free to block the unfortunate ball-carrying Skink in the backfield.

Despite both sides taking possession of the ball at various times the Lizards found themselves unable to break free of the Orc tackles while the Hackers were unable to clear enough space to pick up the ball. Ultimately the game degenerated into a stalemate as neither side were able to get the ball free of the melee and the match finished with a single TD victory for the Hackers.

Green Bay Hackers 1-0 Lustrian Lounge Lizards

Much hilarity was had by me this week as Andy kept muttering “what am I doing?” in his manly Scottish brogue. Then more hilarity at Russ’ face when The Green Bay Hackers duly hacked his skinks to bits and ground out a 1-0.

The Snotters 1-2 Springfield Silverliefs (“friendly”)

Then Darren challenged me to a “friendly” and without thinking I said yes. My wimpy AV7 Springfield Silverliefs against his chainsaw-wielding gobbos with ref-bribery as inducements. Gulp!

I chose to receive as to minimise the damage, put the gobbo on his arse with a blitz and score in turn 2. Cue the bribe.

Darren formed a cage on receiving but I managed to break it and the half-time score was 2-0 with his chainsaw gone for the 2nd half.

More caging ensued and I eventually resigned myself to him scoring. From the kick off my Thrower fumbled, causing a turnover, then failed the pick-up roll allowing a gobbo the opportunity to dodge through, pick-up and equalise. Baited breath was held all around the stadium as the hapless gobbo rolled double 1 on his pick-up attempt (after re-roll) to single the end of the game and a 2-1 victory for the Silverliefs.

Brass Bulls 0-0 Empire of Dirt

The Sunday night (televised on Cabalvision) game saw Jake’s Brass Bulls hold Alex’s Empire of Dirt to a draw and put themselves in a good position to qualify for the knockout stages.

By Darren

The first game of the new season for The Snotters and the first at their new stadium saw them win a close fought and action packed game and rise to the top of Group C.

Unusually for early season games, attendance was high and the Sauciers fans outnumbered the home fans, hopefully to try and give their side a push following the disappointing draw with the Glade Gladiators. Both sides had named the maximum 16 players prior to the match and as they came out for the first half both seemed determined to give it their all.

The initial coin toss favoured the Snotters and with perfect blood bowl weather they decided to receive. The initial set up of the Sauciers saw their usual 2 treemen and 9 halflings formation but surprisingly it was the halflings that took to the line of scrimmage while the treemen hung back slightly. The Snotters went for quite a standard set up but present in the scrimmage were number 14 Vin’Ni wielding his usual chainsaw and number 4 E’Man’U’Wel with his ball and chain.

The gamed kicked off to the combined smells of halfling stew and fungus brew and despite a slight gust of wind the kick was good and landed deep in the Snotters half, immediately Vin’Ni chopped at the opposition knocking a halfling unconscious and creating a gap in the line, while E’Man’U’Wel managed to spin through the Sauciers line only to smacked silly by a treeman supported by 4 of his team mates. The Snotters managed to move the ball up the pitch only for it to change hands, and the Sauciers went for a throw team mate manoeuvre that ended up with another unconscious halfling as he was spiked head first into the pitch. At this point all hell broke loose and the game devolved into the much loved brawl that fans want to see, but at some point the ball ended up in the goblin section of the crowd who promptly threw it as close to the Sauciers end zone as possible. The Snotters players managed to break free and number 10 Did’E’A scored a touchdown.

With the drive over and most of the first half still to play both Vin’Ni and E’Man’U’Wel were sinned binned for the remainder of the game for use of secret weapons, at which point the ref was eaten by an over zealous Snotters fan and the game stalled while a new one was found.

The game restarted with the Snotters having brought on number 5 Ash’Le carrying a big bag of bombs that was certain to cause trouble. The kick went up and a mighty roar from the Snotters fans made sure their team knew what they expected but this time the Sauciers seemed much more organised. Retrieving the ball they managed to move it up behind a good line of halflings supported by a treeman and despite bombs exploding around them they started to advance. They once again went for the tried and tested throw your team mate manoeuvre but this time the pluckly Halfling landed feet first and ran in an uncontested touch down.

Once again the game restarted but with the first half almost over all that happened was a bit of thumping from both sides. The half time entertainment came on involving the usual blood and guts but the sight of so many naked goblins will forever stain this reporters mind.

The second half saw the Snotters kicking to the Sauciers and brining on the last of their secret weapons, number 13 Ron’Al’Doh on his pogo stick. The kick went up but was high and drifted right onto the half way line and into the waiting hands of a Sauciers player. The game then bogged down into a slogging match, both sides losing players as they were knocked out and the Snotters number 6 Em’Ill picking up a minor injury but overall the Sauciers looked to be gaining the advantage. Possession swapped over several times with both sides seemingly unable to penetrate the other’s defence and another draw was looking possible until an unlucky tackle by the Sauciers number 6 saw him killed by Snotters number 12 Ste’Vee. The Snotters made a break for it with number 9 Way’N aiming for a touchdown closely supported by his team mates. In a last ditch attempt to stop them scoring the Sauciers threw one of their players into the Snotters but despite a perfect landing while surrounded he was unable to do more than push Way’N to one side before being tackled and the Snotters running in the touchdown to win the game.

After the final whistle both teams had felt the physical nature of this match with only 13 players left on the pitch and 10 players knocked out overall, but these teams are certainly ones to watch as the league progresses. The Snotters have set themselves up well to qualify from a tough group while the Sauciers will have to work hard in their final group match.

The absence of Aaron saw less of the utterly disgraceful foul play exhibited by his non-fouling elves. No-one was heard to say “I don’t want to hurt him” and players were sent off in true Blood Bath spirit for smashing their opponents in the face with steel-shod hooves. Yeah!

Lustrian Lounge Lizards 5-0 The High & The Mighty

Russ’ Lizardmen consolidated their position at the top of Group A with this mangling of Paul’s High Elves. Towards the end of the game, the elven injured box was nice and full and Paul’s attempts to restore parity of numbers merely exacerbated the situation as his foulers saw red. There was no catching the scuttling skinks at this point.

Empire of Dirt 2-0 Do You Skink He Saurus

Alex guaranteed qualification into the knock-out phase with this win in group B, which saw Raban, his Beast of Nurgle sprint the full length of the pitch (well, it was more of a 6-turn slither, but he got there in the end) to score the winning touchdown and earn him the MVP and a skill-up.

Reanimated All-Stars 2-1 Do You Skink He Saurus

Dave’s Necromantic shamblers revived their qualification hopes in this bottom-of-the-table clash and virtually consigned Scott’s Lizardmen to elimination. Only a miracle can save DYSHS now, who require a win over Springfield Silverliefs in their remaining game, whilst hoping other results go their way.

This week saw a flurry of TD’s in Group B and none whatsoever in Group A.

The High And Mighty v D’Orcs game resulted in a 0-0 stalemate as both teams duked it out around the Line of Scrimmage. The match progressed at a furious pace with hardly any moves being required from either coach seeing as most of their players were in the Knocked Out box. However in the last turn, Ste saw a chance of victory for his D’Orcs as a solitary High elf stood in the way of victory. All that was needed was to blitz and gently nudge the offending elf out of the way to allow his Orc to run in unopposed. A nice big skull saw the lame D’Orc put on his fat behind and the game finished 0-0.

The game was notable however for the first death of the tournament. An unnamed Elf catcher bit the dust and now we will probably never know his name….

Springfield Silverliefs v Reanimated All-Stars was a different affair with the Wood Elves storming in a flurry of TD’s helped along with a hat-trick from developing superstar Raiden. It wasn’t all one-way however with some crazy necromantic passing from the All-Stars as they fought the woodies at their own game. The refusal to cage by both coaches led to an entertaining but bruising encounter. Izanagi the Treeman was knocked out and Larry the Werewolf narrowly escaped death after a failed dodge after Dave rolled a 4 to regenerate him (the lucky swine!). The game finished 4-1 to the Wood Elves and the ladies threw rose petals and underwear at the feet of Raiden.

Brass Bulls v Do You Skink He Saurus is a late result. The game has yet to be completed as Jake went home mid-match. Scott has taken a photograph of the pitch and hostilities will resume next week!

The tournament has now been split into 3 groups with the inclusion of Aaron and Dom. Nice easy pickings I’m sure you’ll all agree!!

By Alex

Empire of Dirt 2-1 Springfield Silverliefs

Game 2 vs Alans wood elves,

The first thing I needed to do pre this game was stick some extra arms on Rotter #10 and give him a real name, so I thought who is the biggest rotter I know? So number 10 was named in honor of my opponent and is now Alan the rotter.

The game then, well I won the roll off for kicking/recieving and despite recently reading an article about kicking 1st half as an option I did the oposite and elected to recieve so I could do at least 3 blocks on my first turn (elves run away you see)

I went for the classic eat up the clock td with the conceede and score plan for the second half.

So the funniest bit in the first half was when my Nurgle warrior was 5 squares from scoring (mv 4) and 1 turn left and alan ran players back and dodged people away to make this a nightmare run in for the poor chaos warrior (Ag 2 no block skill) what would he do? well he took 3 square move to his right and handed off to big baz the pestigor who walked in a touchdown unopposed. Alan’s face seemed to say ar*e.

Seond half starts with alan down players the wardancer had been fouled off the pitch (why wouldn’t you?) and another player was also out badly hurt.

Alan tried a long pass move with a line elf to a player suffering from disturbing presence from one of my players but still managed to pull it off and score.

we set up again I have about 5 turns to score and with 1 mv 6 player and the rest 4 or 5 I would need them just to get down there. The beast set up wide and moved to pin a line elf and a catcher with his tentcles. I tried a similar passing move to alan it failed but I recovered the ball and got big baz 3 squares from a td with a turn left and no elves in a country mile.

A clever combo of blitzes and dodges saw alan able to get his catcher to stand next to baz so a 3+ dodge roll or a 2 dice blitz needing only a push back, push back it is and baz gets his second with no time left on the clock.

post match Alan had rolled up a tiny amount of fans so my fame was +2 with +1 for winning and a roll of 5 I gained 80k from this game with the banked money that allowed me to recruit jeff the nurgle warrior to my team.

I have a rotter out next game due to him getting some face time with mr fist, so still only 11 players next game.

Big baz’s 2 td saw him level up and I have gone for Wrestle as an alternative to block.

I am on holiday th next 2 fridays so am likely to be caught up in my absence

Martin Keown’s Accurate Match Reports AKA, was Alex even watching the same game?? Jesus!

By Alex

Empire of Dirt 2-1 Reanimated All-Stars

Basically a 2-1 win vs Dave’s (shoggoth) Necromatic team that was anything but easy.

I had never played vs a necromatic team before (I have played with and against regular undead though) so whats there special thing then, the flesh golem is a week mummy fine can do that ghouls,zombies,wights are all the same ok fine, Werewolves….

…Werewolves are an amazing player move 8 is always very powerfull, frenzy and claws make them a threat to any ball carrier and regenerate just incase is an arse too.

Dave beat me into the floor with kos and a few casulties (luckily non permanent due to my regenerate rolls) He attempted loads of risky (no re rolls no block skill ) 1 dice blocks and it went his way most of the time.

I scored a regulation move down the pitch td he got a crazy ghoul werewolf running passing play td and I then set up to recieve with only 8 players.

he kicks deep I get the ball make a cage he rushes forward loads of players and I am swamped in my back field.

my ball carrier blitzes into the open and then I realise I have no where to go:

what happens next

There was a tumble weed moment as I realised there was no where to run to

or was there?!

basically the ball carrier runs up to help the nurgle warrior with an assist, and some clever sideways running closed a cage around the back of the ball carrier and a formed a maul and went the length of the pitch to score again (about 4 turns later!) it was my best move in bb for a long time and I would like to think it was from my playbook but it was a we mayas well start a fight and see what happens.

(the play was something like that anyway I didn’t take notes)

So end of the game 50k banked Rotter #10 had scored twice so levelled up and grew extra arms he needed a new name now he was ‘semi real’ the beast got mvp despite disproving the weeble principle (apparently they do fall down alot)so just 1 more ssp gets him a skill….

The Wigan Wargames Summer Blood Bath is now underway with Alex’s Nurgle team taking a stranglehold on Group B with some teams yet to throw a block in anger.

Last week saw him beat Dave’s Reanimated All-Stars 2-1

This week it was the turn of the Springfield Silverliefs to feel the hot, fetid breath of Nurgle upon their delicate faces.

The Silverliefs gambled on a thrower in their starting squad (not entirely neccessary with Woodies) rather than a lineman and an apothecary and saw their Wardancer sidelined about 4 turns in. Coupled with burning solitary re-roll in the first action of each half led to an uncomfortable and bruising experience. The Silverliefs tried to win the game at the death with a silly move and saw it backfire (a crazy dodge-pass-dodge). Alex ran in a last turn TD to win 2-1.

Ste’s Orcs were less than bashy in the other game of the evening, in fact decidedly wimpy as Russ’ skinks continually put them on their backsides to record a 1-0 win, lifting The Lustrian Lounge Lizards to the top of Group A at this early stage.

Andy had the man-flu, but battled through it in true hardcore Scottish fashion to run through a friendly game between Paul and Jake. Paul is entering the fray as is Aaron, so the groups will grow to 6 teams.